The state of me, on the cusp of 37.

Funny how fast time escapes with each year. Boredom doesn't exist when all is fleeting. The body, in true shape-shifting fashion, morphs with fickle casualty into the unrecognizable. It's hard not to cling to memories, snapshots of yesteryear and yearn to be that image--that self--again. Oh, I was cool then. I was pretty hot. I did so much. I was independent. I was strong. It's understandable from my position, I suppose. I recognize that holding an internal comparison to my walking self, or my newly wheelchair-bound self, or my able-to-draw self, or my able-to-independently-transfer self, provides nothing but guilt, longing, and pain. The guilt is the worst; I feel a dizzying blow to the gut for thinking I've somehow let my former incarnations down by my diseases progressing. My horror at my own inability, at my helplessness, is stronger than any emotion except two:

my love and concern for friends and family

my stewardship of and desire to be in nature (and, by proxy, to share photos and written accounts of such excursions)
Along with said guilt, and probably more damaging, is the internal dialog niggling at the back of my mind that more often than not compares all I do--and can't do--to how I used to be when I was more mobile. This is all uncharted territory, living and not living, days spent with home health care attendants, dependent on others, communicating mostly on-line, losing functionality, speech deteriorating...

I've burned many bridges in the last few years. I didn't feel worthy of many people's friendship--I didn't feel cool enough anymore. I was embarrassed at my state, and spiraled into a self-imposed isolation.

It's time to forgive myself in earnest. Last month I combed back through seven years worth of LJ entries and was shocked by how much guilt I placed on myself for no reason. "Sorry" was the most often used word in the journal. I rendered many entries to Private and have moved in a less negative direction. Forgiving myself seems an insurmountable task. How do I forgive this misshapen slumped husk that I've morphed into over time? How do I accept what's in a state of flux? Just as I adjust to one thing, another happens, then others. It's so rapid anymore there's no plateau, no period to deal with a change and accept the loss of the ability.

It's time to forgive myself. To allow myself to grieve my ever-changing condition and to acknowledge that my life is different from everyone else's, and that's okay. To stop comparing my current self to who I've been and to past accomplishments. I need to let myself be angry at the unfairness of my situation and realize it's okay. I'm still here, and people love me, and I love people. I'll be okay, I'll find a way, I'll push the envelope of another day.

Acknowledge, emulate, the small. Breathe deeply and move a mountain with a smile. A look, a minute gesture, can shape a universe. A simple word, softly uttered, can unlock any door. A gentle heart can appreciate Life. Determination will preserve it.

Into A Swan
What in the world is happening?
What in the world could this be?
I'm on the verge of an awakening
A new kind of strength for me

I feel a force I've never felt before
I don't want to fight it anymore
Feelings so strong can't be ignored
I burst out - I'm transformed

Rising up, shaking it off
The yesterday dreary
Graceful and strong, No more forlorn
Today's a jubilee
Don't be surprised
This change is my design

I feel a force I've never felt before
I don't want to fight it anymore
Feelings so strong can't be ignored
I burst out - I'm transformed

I feel a force I've never felt before
I can't hold it down I've just got to soar
And laugh in the face that is vulture law
I burst out, I'm transformed

I feel a force I've never felt before
I don't want to fight it anymore
Feelings so strong can't be ignored
I burst out - I'm transformed

I feel a force I've never felt before
I can't hold it down I've just got to soar
And laugh in the face that is vulture law
I burst out - I'm transformed
I burst right out - Into a swan
I burst out into a swan.
lyrics by and performed by Siouxsie