Mar. 15th, 2012

ferine: (Default)
Underneath ~by Tarja Turenen

Even in my darkest times
Overcome with worry
Find the comfort in the storm
No reason to be sorry
Look inside for a place to hide
All around the faithless wait full of expectations
They will never see the beauty in the imperfections
The more I show
The less they know

Out of reach
Underneath
Learned to breathe
Underneath
Something inside of me
Invisible turning the fragile
Unbreakable
But they cannot take away
They cannot take away
What I believe
You cannot take away
Cannot take away
What's underneath

Every little cut runs deep
Masked in my tomorrow
Bringing wisdom that I need for all the time I borrow
My other side is left behind

Out of reach
Underneath
Learned to breathe
Underneath
Something inside of me
Invisible turning the fragile
Unbreakable
But they cannot take away
They cannot take away
What I believe
You cannot take away
Cannot take away
What's underneath

☥☥☥


I faced and didn't succumb to death's hunger three times over a span of seven years. Two of those times within the last two years alone. I never truly digested the weight of that before, the actuality, what could have so easily become final. Can anyone understand how deeply such experiences effect the psyche? It's not romantic, discussing it is not attention- or sympathy-seeking, it's not even a life-altering thing in a positive sense. It's depressing and crazy-making. It is to peer beyond the veil and realize, with abrupt certainty, that you and your existence mean nothing: nothing loses course or changes depending on whether you live or die. Life goes on as it always did without acknowledging your struggle or your passing.

That's heavy. A bitter and sobering pill to swallow; our smallness, our futility. Knowing we don't matter, and we won't leave a ripple in our wake.

Having teetered on the edge for years until finally allowing the weight of the world to drag me down, down, down into an isolated abyss. A quiet underneath to coil within, to process, to nurse my ragged wounds, to, for once and for all, allow myself to unleash deafening rage at the universe for dealing me such a shitty hand over and over...

Slowly dawn has bled through the shadows and a solitary lily has sprung from my chest. A crazy, lonely, well-earned wisdom has unfurled to reveal a gem upon my brow. I don't feel my existence is futile... there is some reason I'm here. Otherwise I simply wouldn't be here. I would not have survived three times--once from Deep Vein Thrombosis, twice from advanced sepsis. I would not continue even as my body continues to fail.

We all have a reason and a right to be here, right now. Otherwise we wouldn't be. Simple truth, yet easy to turn a blind eye to.

♥☾♥

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Sarah B. Chamberlain

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